nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
