I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
