Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
whose parrot is this?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
