I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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