Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We are two peas in an std pod
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
