I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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