hotel room ftw
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
