The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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