Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
