im six kinds of drunk right now
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
