Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
