Your dad touched me again.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
