I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
