remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You may now shotgun with the bride
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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