You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
