My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
