Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
