I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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