One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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