Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
