i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
