I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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