theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
pray to the hookup gods
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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