my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
