i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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