Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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