he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Naked Twister starts at high noon
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
After tacos, we're chasing women.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
