the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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