I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
