I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
