Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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