Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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