i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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