his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
As shirtless as possible
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just want nice things and good sex
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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