I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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