I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
