Can i not drive my cunt home
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
