Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
