dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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