Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
