my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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