it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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