I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
