I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
