im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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