I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
