Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
