I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
