Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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