Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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