Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
